So funny I had to post

General Topics
261

A Psychiatrist and a Proctologist

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share the costs of office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist, so
they put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors”
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
“Catatonics and High Colonics” - No go.

Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives” - thumbs
down again.

Then came “Minds and Behinds” - still no good.

Another attempt “Lost Souls and Butt Holes” was unacceptable again!

So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts” - not a chance.

“Nuts and Butts” - no way.

“Freaks and Cheeks” - still not good.

“Loons and Moons” - forget it.

Almost at their wits’ end, the docs finally came up with:

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends”

Everyone loved it.

262


http://my.jetscreenshot.com/2701/m_20120525-qokm-29kb.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnKSHcIS-jA&feature=em-uploademail

263

The Golden Years:

Several days ago, as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat-down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my
pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory
is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a
terrifying conclusion:

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the
most difficult call of all.

“Honey,” I stammered (I always call her “honey” in times like these) “I
left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard her voice.

“Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car.”

Yep, it’s the golden years.

264

;D ;D Almost makes up for not being young any more – almost.

265

True ;D…as you can see Bob doesn’t have any patch of hair on top of his old head which he is class as the golden years, smile Bob you know the whole world is smiling we you through the golden years.

266

Haha! Sounds nothing like the zap I got from a fly zapper.

267

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a
comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer…
‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
‘Donna’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in
my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker. 'It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!

Guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

268

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down,
facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking subsided, I found out that she was referring
to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

269

;D ;D Been there, done that (without literally stripping, that is). I can understand her instruction, though she definitely (as she found out the hard way) should have made the context clearer in her choice of wording … it’s not always obvious what the proper orientation is for swiping a credit or debit card, since apparently there’s not any standard location/position for the sensor.

Up here, many banks are taking it one step further and added a chip at one end of the card which is much harder (likely impossible) to forge compared to the magnetic strip. Vendors are only gradually acquiring the proper sensor units for these, and the card stays in its slot for the whole transaction since that’s recorded, not just the PIN verified.

270

We’re Rich!
WE FINALLY MADE IT
O.M.G., we’re rich!
Silver In The Hair
Gold In The Teeth
Crystals In The Kidneys
Sugar In The Blood
Lead In The As*
Iron In The Arteries
And
An Inexhaustible Supply Of Natural Gas.

I Never Thought we would
accumulate Such Wealth!
I’ve always said there are advantages to growing older.
Life is short.
Live it to the fullest.
It has an expiration date.

271


http://my.jetscreenshot.com/2701/m_20120629-k3ij-13kb.jpg

Turn your volume up !

272

Pun for the day:Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

273

Yes the absolute Bratt Wurst.

274

Hi DavidR,

Only in Dutch the word Wurst is spelled correctly as worst (sausage), but that again would take the pun out of the joke.
Not to say that Dutch sausage is “worst”, which is actually correct.
Nice interlingual play with words,

polonus

275

Yes, having spent a few tours in Germany and had the occasional bratwurst or two ;D

276

@Damien,
Remember, my heritage is German, not Dutch. :slight_smile:
Quite often they call those of German decent Dutchmen or Krauts.
Sauerkraut actually goes very well with Sausage or wurst. ;D

This also goes well with this discussion:

http://my.jetscreenshot.com/2701/m_20120703-vfni-44kb.jpg

Alice ran into this while out shopping in Prescott Valley Arizona.

277

My heritage is entirely Scottish, English and Irish. They call sausages bangers for some reason. I’m also a Gemini so I tend to get in fights with myself and not know which side I should be on.

278
I'm also a Gemini so I tend to get in fights with myself and not know which side I should be on.
When you fight with yourself, you're always on the loosing side.....
279

Yep! Bob is 100% correct and that’s what my Grandad tells me long ago, thanks for reminding me Bob otherwise you may sound like my Grandad ;D :wink: Only if I don’t have to kiss you’re top head, otherwise my lips could slip off :wink:

280

Well one side has to win and since both sides are me, I’m a winner ;D