So funny I had to post

nanajana · 2013-05-07T18:27:40.000Z

FUN PUNS!

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

system · 2013-05-07T21:19:46.000Z

bob3160 post:500:

Dch48 post:499:

Pondus post:496:

how good is your washing machine?

extreme test. ;D
http://www.sol.no/#/klipps/video/2670775/Han_er_apenbart_ikke_fornoyd_med_vaskemaskinen_

I call foul. Since when do washing machines continue running when the door is opened?

You aren’t supposed to analyze something funny. Just laugh.

It’s not funny if it was rigged.

MikeBCda · 2013-05-07T21:48:43.000Z

nanajana post:501:

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

So are most weather bureaus … does that imply they’re also atheists? Hmmm, that could explain a lot … maybe the powers-that-be (by whatever name) are getting retribution by showing the world that the “forecasters” haven’t a clue.

bob3160 · 2013-05-08T13:25:46.000Z

Subject: 1955

Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody
will be able to hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who wold have
thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon?
Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks
it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it
down in Texas .

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more
than the President.

I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They’re even making electric typewriters now.

It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are
having to work to make ends meet.

It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch
their kids so they can both work.

I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign
business.

Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to government.

The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt
they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a
night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick anymore.
At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.

If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.

Donovan · 2013-05-09T00:08:13.000Z

The prices have been constantly increasing over the past few years. Soon the Dollar Store will be called the Two Dollar Store.

bob3160 · 2013-05-09T01:15:04.000Z

!Donovan post:505:

The prices have been constantly increasing over the past few years. Soon the Dollar Store will be called the Two Dollar Store.

Their plan is to change it to 1 Gold Bullion Store.

nanajana · 2013-05-11T18:32:13.000Z

Retirement is different for everyone…

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.

On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her,
“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes,” she said, “aren’t they darlings? They’re retired prostitutes - they’re having a yard sale.”

polonus · 2013-05-12T15:42:31.000Z

This is soooooo off-topic, that is why I had to post it here: http://thedoghousediaries.com/5053
Entitled what your coffee says about you…

Damian

DavidR · 2013-05-12T16:41:53.000Z

Now I had never thought of coffee in this way, make mine a Cappuccino to go. Don’t know why there are 4 Expresso ones

CraigB · 2013-05-13T05:23:35.000Z

DavidR post:509:

Don’t know why there are 4 Expresso ones

There’s only one Expresso David, the other three are Espresso.

If you read the last one ( Expresso ) you’ll see why

system · 2013-05-13T21:32:05.000Z

New outfits for twins. (I saw this at another forum and copied it)

SpeedyPC · 2013-05-21T08:58:53.000Z

A man ordered a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly, without any error He got the car and started sending it on errands. He soon became very proud of what the car could do, without mistakes. One day, when he too wasn’t able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick up the children from school, because she was so tired. The man agreed and said to the car; “Car, go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return within the expected time. They knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with a whole load of children. The car parked right in front of them and said; “These are your children,sir”. In the car were their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’ two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbor’s two sons.