CraigB
1921
Moral - Read All Your Text Messages
A text to a neighbour:
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently. I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Richard
Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
CraigB
1922
Prank Backfires
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, it is about time. I’m coming round. Put on that sexy French nightie. Can’t wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
"I can see your feet. We’re out of bread; I will be back in five minutes”
Asyn
1923
bob3160
1924
CraigB
1925
Hitch Hiking
It was a really cold day and Mary spotted a young hitch hiker and stopped to give him a lift.
He seemed to be a nice guy and as she drove away he said “People are reluctant to help hitch hikers for fear that they may be serial killers. Has the thought ever crossed your mind”?
“No” she replied “the odds of having two serial killers being together in the same car is extremely unlikely”
bob3160
1926
CraigB
1927
Cunning Stunt
An old man calls his son and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "It worked, they’re both coming for Christmas for the first time in 5 years and what’s more, paying their own airfares.
bob3160
1929
Totally agree. Even Alice like this one. 
bob3160
1930
bob3160
1931
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and just cover your own !!!
You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
bob3160
1932
DavidR
1933
I hope the wife isn’t looking over your shoulder or you might be getting the cold shoulder 
bob3160
1934
CraigB
1935
Monkey Business
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. It must have escaped from the local zoo.
He calls the zoo and they advise him to stay indoors until their animal catcher arrives – which will be within 20 minutes.
The zoo’s gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull dog.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to bite his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the bloody dog.”
DavidR
1936
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the bloody dog."
In stitches, great start to the day
CraigB
1937
Guilty Of Not Being WOKE
In the morning:-
8:00 - I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe. sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during the pandemic and cold weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon the snow persons all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
@CraigB. Keep them coming. We are all in need of good cheer. Merry Christmas.
Asyn
1939
DavidR
1940
Absolutely brilliant - I have just stuffed myself with turkey and stuffing sandwiches yummy - remnants from yesterdays dinner.
I had room for them as I had been out for my regular daily exercise first
I will probably have some mulled wine later 
Seasons Greetings and a Happy New Year to one and all.
